If you wait, it may be too late.

Over the past couple of years i have not only watched loved ones die but i have also watched friends watch their loved ones die.
This process is soul-destroying and something i never thought i would cope with very well. In fact when i found out that my own Grandparents, who mean the world to me had placed myself and my Cousin in charge of their Will, i could not believe it. "How will i cope" i thought, "Why on earth do they think I'd be strong enough to cope with dealing with that as well as dealing with them leaving me?"
Turns out they know me better than i know myself, because i can actually deal with the death of someone pretty well.

If someone leaves my life, moves away, chooses not to be my friend/lover/partner etc, i am utterly devastated. I can only surmise this as not being in control, not being able to stop them leaving and knowing i couldn't do anything to stop it even if i have tried my hardest.
However, when someone dies my ability to cope surpasses itself. I believe this is because death is inevitable. At some point we all have to die. I also believe that everyones path is laid out already for them and the point that we leave this earth is the point we were meant to. There is nothing anyone can do to stop it, its just how it is.

I also believe that they never really leave us.
I have times where i will be doing something and i will be able to hear their voice remind me of something. For example, my ex boyfriends Mum whom i cared about dearly taught me how to make gravy and would say to me "Don't forget, figure of eight" when i was stirring it. Now when i am stirring a sauce i hear her saying this. Is it my memory or is she there watching me? I don't know and i don't wish to figure it out, the fact i have that is good enough for me. I do know i am not mad or insane though.
Other times i will be in a dilemma and i will question myself and my choices and there she is, the lady who was like my surrogate Mum. Is it because deep down i know what she would say? Again, i don't know, but i am happy.

It is because of my beliefs that i also believe you should tell the people in your life that you love, that inspire you, that make you happy and that you think a lot of, these exact things.
We don't know when we are going to leave this earth, we don't know for sure if we do come back. What if we don't? What if the person you love with all your heart dies tomorrow, without warning? Did they know, truly how you really felt about them? What if your best friend passed away and you never got to tell them about how if it wasn't for them you'd never have gotten through that terrible break-up?

So don't wait, just tell them. You don't need a reason, its reason enough that you care so dearly for them.
Because if you wait, it may be too late.

Gabrielle Aplin - Fix You (BBC Introducing Maida Vale session)

NO need for words.
Chris Martin made my spine tingle and this verson gives me goose bumps - simply beautiful
xoxo

Learning the hard way

A lot has happened over the past few months. Not only to me but also friends of mine.
Every time i speak to someone about the problems that are surrounding their lives at the current time i am seeing the same pattern arsing; We are all learning lessons - the hard way!

As a small child when i had done something that hurt me my Mum would say "Well you wont do that again in a hurry will you"
The thing is,i rarely learnt as a child, not, to do it again. Then i got the line delivered to me "Have you not learnt your lesson!" Neither of these questions were actually questions, more rhetorical and i was never meant to answer them. If i remember rightly, if i did respond, it would result in an even bigger telling off and be described as 'answering back.'

Why did i do it time and time again though? The first time ended badly so why did i think that if i do it again its going to work?
Could it be the saying "Third time lucky" Another classic that is drilled into me. If this is the case, does this mean i'm going to get hurt three times before i do learn my lesson?

I will openly admit i will do something more than three times. Even if i get hurt, time and time again. This isn't because i am a glutton for punishment or because self-harm is something i do in my free time, but because i am an optimist. I always think, it will be better this time as it cant be any worse. If its a person that's hurt me, i think, they will have seen how much they hurt me the first time and surely they wont do it again. Unfortunately, they do. I know this is because they have a problem and i know that its not my fault. I guess i just like to see the best in people.

There has only ever been one time where someone hurt me over such a long period of time that i have never gone back. That cut so very deeply that even to think back to that time, it stings.

I will say this though, every time I do learn something. Whether it is about myself or about the other person i learn a little bit more. This does help me in the future and also helps me understand people.

The outlook i take is this; When something bad happens, we have three choices. We can either let it define us. Let it destroy us or we can let it strengthen us.

I follow the third.
I need to follow this mantra in the first instance, not the second, third, forth or fifth. The FIRST.

What would happen though if we learnt the easy way? If it didn't hurt? Would we learn as well as what we are meant to OR would it quite simply be forgotten? Maybe, as much as we think it hurts, it doesn't hurt enough and that's why we go back for more? Does it in fact need to hurt more for us to learn? Is that what defines how many times we put ourselves out there?

These are questions i think only the individual can answer. What i know is, i am going to try damned hard in future to remember to learn the first time. That way i may not only save time but i may save my feelings as well.

Unless it involves this:

I will happily do the same thing again and again for the right person! xoxo

Goo Goo Dolls - Iris (Video)

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken I
just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

The Police - Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic

I have this on an MP3 player that an ex boyfriend sent me when we split up. I never knew he felt this way about me. I still love and miss him.

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic lyrics
Though I've tried before to tell her
Of the feelings I have for her in my heart
Every time that I come near her
I just lose my nerve as I've done from the start
Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she doe just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on
Do I have to tell the story
Of a thousand rainy days since we first met?
It's a big enough umbrella
But it's always me that ends up getting wet
Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on
I resolved to call her up
A thousand times a day
Ask her if she'll marry me
In some old fashioned way
But my silent fears have gripped me
Long before I reach the phone
Long before my tongue has tripped me
Must I always be alone
Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on
Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on
Every little thing, every little thing
Every little thing, every little thing
Every little, every little, every little
Every little thing she does
Every little thing she does
Every little thing she does
Every little thing she does
Thing she does is magic
Every little thing, every little thing
Every little thing she do is magic
Magic, magic, magic, magic, magic
Do I have to tell the story
Of a thousand rainy days since we first met
It's a big enough umbrella
But it's always me that ends up getting wet

Life Drainers and Life Brighteners

2020 was meant to be E P I C.
Everyone thought exactly the same, there were posts on social media about it and people had, hope.

It started off well, which after a pretty pants few years was a great start.

A very good friend of mine said the following:

I really think this is a good time to start viewing your relationships and friendships especially a bit differently. You are a giver by nature. You are kind and nurturing and you genuinely gain pleasure by doing nice things for other people. Problem is this means that ‘takers’ are drawn to you because they know that you are a ‘giver’ so to speak. I think you need to be wary of people like that in your life, because they will suck you dry and it appears that people like that have been getting you down and upsetting you a lot recently. I’m not saying you should change. You can’t anyway – you are who you are (and I love you that way) but don’t give to those who do not deserve it. Do not let them take your kindness, goodness, time, effort, tears because they not only do not deserve it but they do not appreciate all you do for them either.
This is the thing I think we need to accept, certain individuals will not give back no matter how much we give and hope they will too.

She is 100% correct.... My friends have always been my family, my life and my support unit and mean the absolute world to me. I needed to asses who made "The Cut" and I have.

I also need to stop being such an open book because certain people will take that, abuse it and set out to hurt me. As they have so kindly done in the past few months. I have named these people as "Life Drainers"

No one needs a Life Drainer and therefore my life is now filled with "Life Brighteners" These are people who brighten your life. They believe in you, will be there FOR you and be there WITH you, for the laughs and the tears. They are true to you and they know you, sometimes better than you know yourself and will not be clouded by anyone else's opinions on you. They love you and want the best for you. I, in turn love them and want the best for them also.

As a wise, amazing man once said, in reference to me "I know who is important in my life and who who i will always be there for" Well, i too know who and what is important to me and who i will always be there for, no matter what.

So, I have brushed off all of the negative energy and i am now feeling amazing, happy and fulfilled. I have direction and some great ideas whizzing around in my head that are going to enrich my life and therefore my friends lives also.

I will keep you up-dated... but on a need to know bases. For all i know, YOU reading may be a Life Drainer!!!

One Special Person

Love sits and waits
Inside the empty void of the heart
Waiting for that special moment
That will light the spark

The one special person
That will take the place
Of the hurt in a heart
That will put a glow on a face

The one special touch
That will make you want to cry
And the one special kiss
That won't let you say goodbye

I'm sitting here, waiting
For that one moment in time
When I will find my true love
Who will say to me, "You are mine"

For that touch and that kiss
That will never, ever end
For that one day I'm waiting for
When I say "I do" to my life-long best friend

So, I sit here waiting
If my dreams will come true
For, in every dream I dream
My "one special person" is you
 
By Albrie Miller